Healing Thyself
by upsgurl88
Summary: Kaman - Kate Roberts heads out alone on a journey to learn about her past. What will she discover....
1. Default Chapter

Chapter One  
  
She lightly touched the thin bristles to the canvas and watched, in delight, as a bold streak of pink highlighted the sunset sky she was painting. This perfect fall scene would be forever immortalized in living color. The sun looked like a blazing fireball hanging just inches above the horizon, each time she looked up it had sunk lower and before long it would be gone, seemingly engulfed, yet again, by the vast ocean that spread before her.  
  
She inhaled the crisp, refreshing air that was filled with all the wondrous and mysterious odors of the sea and beyond. Licking her lips she could taste the salt that the moist air had deposited on her exposed skin. She gazed out at the endless black waters that contrast so exquisitely with the vibrant sky above. It was so peaceful just sitting there perched on a stool behind her easel. The only sound was that of the huge waves crashing against the cliffs and rocks at either end of the beach.  
  
Her bare feet sunk into the cool, damp sand as she hopped smoothly off her stool. Unfortunately the scene she was painting was quickly fading away and she needed to capture the essence of it all before it was too late. Grabbing her camera she quickly snapped a picture that she could use to finish, if necessary, but it just wouldn't be the same. No picture could capture the sounds, the smells, and the feel of the breeze that made painting an experience rather than just a simple hobby. She worked quickly, expertly filling in each important detail that desperately called out to her.  
  
As the final exposed rays of sunlight fell away she sat down on the stool once again, suddenly tired but superfluously content. Studying the finished product that was displayed before her filled her with an immense pride. It was so fulfilling not only to reflect on a hard day's work but to have something concrete to show for it. The abstract emotions that accompanied the conclusion to this day only made it that much more satisfying.  
  
Slowly gathering up her supplies and lovingly setting them in a large tote bag her mind drifted back to the first time she had held the palette and feverishly worked her magic. It was during a period of her life that she longed to forget. The freedom she felt as the vision in her mind began to appear before her was an overwhelming relief from the hardship of her life. She would quickly get lost in the fantasy and drift into another world, a world where she was always happy. Unfortunately reality would bite her once again and she would fall hard, back into the miserable journey they called life.  
  
When she had finally been set free from that dark time she just could not bring her self to paint anymore. Stroking the canvas was like a refuge for her and as life got better it was no longer necessary. There were still times though, when she would catch herself staring at a fresh snowfall or a gushing river and longing to capture the wondrous vision.  
  
The family and friends that filled her world in it's current state had no idea that she held this talent inside her, it was not something that she had ever shared with anyone, not even her children. Now here she was miles away from everyone she loved, finally indulging in her greatest passion once again. And after all these years it still effected her exactly the same way. It created a portal of escape that she quickly stepped through with the first stroke of the brush.  
  
Throwing the bag over her shoulder she began to make her first trip back to her shiny black Chevy Trailblazer. Why did she suddenly feel the urge to escape once again after all this time? She wasn't completely sure of the answer to that question but she knew by the time she went back home, to Salem, she would know exactly what this journey was all about. A few weeks earlier she had suddenly been gripped with an intense fear that reached all the way to her soul. It seemed like the days were quickly turning to months and the months became years, time was passing before her very eyes, her life was slipping away far too quickly and there was no way to slow it down. She knew that most people came to a similar realization sometime in their midlife. Some would overcome it with ease moving on graciously and other would forever dwell on the past living in regret and denial. It was a vast continuum and she fell somewhere in the middle. It would be hard to overcome but deep inside her heart echoed the encouragement and support that would help her pull through.  
  
Opening the back she placed the tote bag inside and headed back down to the beach to get the painting and easel. The emotional roller coaster she was currently riding was called a mid life crisis by some but she preferred to think of it not as a crisis but as a simple life experience. She had to get away from Salem, far away from everything that was so overwhelmingly familiar. This small east-coast harbor village was a perfect contrast to the bustling mid west town she called home. It was a whole different experience. The pace was soothing and slow. The people were friendly and welcoming but kept their distance, respecting one's need for solitude.  
  
Of all the spectacular places on the planet that she could have visited why was this place her first and really her only choice? She wasn't ready to consciously think about that, but subconsciously she knew exactly why she was here. This was her birth place and the site of her early childhood, the only part of her life that she'd had a mother. It was a time she certainly could not remember, but she hoped she would feel once again the unconditional love only a mother could provide. Being here at this pivotal moment just felt so right. It had taken a very long time to gather the strength to return and it was so ironic that the moment she was finally able to come back was during one of the weakest times in her life.  
  
After putting the rest of her things in the back she closed the heavy door. She rolled down the pant legs that she'd turned up earlier in the day and slid her sandy feet into a comfortable pair of sandals. Climbing in the car she shut the door and paused for a moment to wistfully say goodbye to the perfect snapshot mother nature had provided her with today.  
  
She pulled away and slowly rolled along the narrow roads heading towards the beautiful rustic abode she was renting. So the journey had begun and a spiritual, healing pathway stretched before her. She hadn't the faintest idea where it would take her but Kate Roberts knew she was in for the ride of her life, no pun intended. 


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter Two  
  
Kate stood the easel up in the middle of the living room and placed her painting on it. She studied her work under the bright lights, noticing a few places here and there that could use a touch up, but all in all she was extremely pleased. She slowly began to wander around the cottage, it was so tasteful and exquisitely decorated. It was exactly Kate's style and she found it very comforting.  
  
After brewing a steaming mug of tea Kate stepped out onto the back porch. Like most other homes in this sleepy town she had a perfect view of the ocean. A vibrant full moon had replaced the blazing sun on the horizon. The sky was clear and the millions of twinkling stars and steady glow from the moon made the night seem impossibly bright.  
  
As she sat down on the heavy wooden porch swing she thought about how romantic this moment would be sitting hand in hand with the one she loved, gently rocking back and forth. Shaking her head Kate quickly shoved those thoughts far away. There was no room in her life for romance or love right now, there were far too many things that needed to be untangled before she could even begin to indulge in such pleasures.  
  
This trip was all about finding her self, shining the spotlight on each and every twist and turn until the path was finally strait once again. Kate knew the only way to do this was to start at the very beginning and take it one step at a time, slowly undoing the ties that were binding her, keeping her from true self actualization.  
  
Tomorrow Kate would begin her journey into unfamiliar territory, the first few years of her life. Very few people can vividly remember their early childhood and even fewer can remember infancy. We must rely on others to remind us of those times. Or use pictures, and our imagination to relive those precious moments.  
  
Kate slipped a tiny black and white photograph out of her pocket and gazed at the most beautiful woman she had ever seen. A vision of loveliness stared back at her and tears once again stung her eyes, just like so many times before. It was her mother's face that had elicited these emotions from inside her. The picture of a woman who Kate could not remember had reduced her to tears. Since the moment she first laid eyes on the photo she was curious about the woman but until several months ago Kate never imagined it would be possible to find out who her mother really was or where she came from.  
  
Only minutes before Kate's father had died, so many years ago, he handed his young daughter the small picture that she still carried with her to this day. He whispered two words with his last breath, "Your Mother", and he was gone forever. Kate could not remember a time when she hadn't loathed her father but she had never felt more rage towards another human being than she did at that moment. For years Kate had begged him to tell her about her mom but his response was always the same, "She left us." Why would he torture her like that? Leaving her with only a picture? No name, nothing. Not a clue as to where Kate might find this woman. Was she even alive? There were plenty of questions but never any answers. Eventually Kate was able to push the thoughts away, she gave up on ever finding her mother, it was just another impossible feat that she would never overcome. Or so she thought.  
  
The discovery she had made many months ago was unbelievably surreal and Kate still could not quite grasp the entirety of what she had found. Kate was conducting intense research on the history of North Eastern fashion for an upcoming project highlighting that particular region. She spent countless hours scanning old news articles in the microfiche archives. One afternoon just as she was about to pack it in for the day a tiny photo caught her eye. Her jaw dropped and she couldn't take her eyes off the lovely face. It was the same face that adorned the photo she was currently holding in her hand. Her mother, Selena Lynn Williams.  
  
Kate's hands started to shake and her eyes filled with tears. The heading at the top of the page read "Obituaries". She had finally found her mother but in mere seconds the thrill came crashing down when Kate realized she was too late, several years too late.  
  
It wasn't until just a few short weeks ago when her life was seemingly out of her hands that she realized the magnitude of the treasure she had found. She had a link to her past, she knew her mother's name and where she was from. There was so much more she could learn, so much more she needed to find out right away. The realization had provided her with a spark of hope for her future. Albeit only a tiny glimmer but enough to rejuvenate her spirits, at least for a little while.  
  
The following day she made the arrangements for this trip. And now here she was, striking out, all alone. Trying desperately to put together enough pieces of the puzzle of her life to motivate her to keep on living. Then someday in the future she would reflect on the finished product and know that the effort had all been worth it.  
  
Spending the day on the beach in quiet solitude had been just what Kate needed. No interruptions, no worries, just her and her paint brush becoming one, as the creative juices that had been locked away were finally freed once again. But tomorrow might not be so relaxing. Kate was about to learn just what happened all those years ago and how love, lust, and deception could forever change the lives of so many people. A wife's betrayal, a husband's jealousy, a lover's death were all a part of the pathway that led her to where she was right now.  
  
Kate shivered and stepped inside once again. It was late and she was exhausted. She flipped of the lights as she made her way to the bedroom. Snuggled under the heavy blankets Kate felt a sense of satisfaction. For the first time, in what seemed like years, she fell asleep looking forward to the next day. 


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter Three  
  
Kate woke up at exactly 7:15am, "Old habits are hard to break," she thought, "but I am certainly going to try." She rolled over and pulled the down filled duvet over her head to block out the first rays of light that were sneaking through the Venetian blinds.  
  
When she finally opened her eyes again and peeked her head out from beneath the mass of covers, a quick glance at her watch told her she'd slept for another three hours. The angry gurgling in her stomach was the only thing keeping her from fluffing her pillow and nodding off once again.  
  
Kicking off the covers Kate tried to remember the last time she had stayed in bed this late. Her drive and determination for her career didn't leave much time to take pleasure in the simple things in life like sleeping in. Or enjoying a delightful home cooked breakfast. Her friends would be shocked to learn how expertly she worked in the kitchen. Kate knew her no- nonsense, business, woman attitude and uptown lifestyle certainly didn't showcase her HGTV talents.  
  
Throwing on her robe and slippers Kate headed for the kitchen to work her magic. Minutes later she set a delectable plate of food on the table and sat down to enjoy it. Her mouth watered as she cut into the colourful vegetarian omelette made with egg whites, green and red peppers, portabella mushrooms, onions, and stuffed with fresh asparagus. The first bite was heavenly and she chewed slowly savouring the taste. The rest of her meal consisted of a slice of multigrain toast, half a grapefruit, and a tall glass of fresh squeezed orange juice. After spoiling herself this way Kate would not be looking forward to her usual muffin or bagel on the run when she returned home.  
  
As Kate gathered her dishes and loaded them into the dishwasher she began to plan out the day in her mind. The only place she could think of to begin her stroll back in time was the local library. Maybe she could find some old news articles or historical archives to root through. A thought kept creeping into her head that she pushed away time and time again for fear of being overwhelmingly disappointed, "Could she still have relatives living here? Cousins or even siblings?" Once again she shoved the idea far into the back of her mind and desperately tried to keep it there.  
  
After she had showered Kate slipped into some of the new clothes she had purchased for this trip. Kate had spent an obscene amount of money in a store she had never set foot in before last week. All her usual suits, skirts, heels, and blouses were at home in the closet and her suitcase was loaded with nothing but casual comfort. She stood in front of the full- length mirror examining her new look. The fuzzy pink hooded Gap Sweatshirt and faded jeans were a mind-boggling contrast to the designer duds that generally adorned her slim frame.  
  
With very little make up and her hair pulled back in a simple pony-tail Kate looked like a different person. But she still held that stunning beauty and impeccable poise that was impossible for Kate to lose. She slipped her feet into a comfortable pair of Birkenstocks, grabbed her purse and keys, then emerged from the cottage into the damp, fresh air.  
  
Ironically, this quaint little town made Kate feel as though she had taken a step back in time. Old buildings still in excellent shape lined the main street, which contained only slight traces of the typical commercialism that had crept into most American cities. It was a very strange experience to drive through a populated area without McDonald's, Cracker Barrel, or Wal-Mart immediately catching her eye.  
  
Taking in the essence of her surroundings Kate was shocked by a sudden feeling of contentedness. She hadn't even met anyone here yet, but she felt welcome, at ease, and completely relaxed.  
  
She parallel parked in front of the Library cursing silently as she hit the curb and had to pull out and start over. When she was finally satisfied with the position of her vehicle she killed the engine and climbed out.  
  
As Kate pulled open the heavy front door she was greeted by the slightly musty smell of a vault filled with years of printed history. She scanned the room and headed towards the computers she spotted near the back. She sat down and logged on to the library catalogue to begin her search.  
  
Her fingers clicked on the keyboard as Kate typed her mothers name into the computer and hit the enter key. The system was rather slow and she tapped her fingers impatiently waiting for the results. "Search returned 0 results for 'Selena Williams'" flashed on the screen. Kate tried several other variations of her mothers name but still no matched were found. She tried her father's name but still did not come up with anything.  
  
Kate pounded her fist on the desk in frustration and the thud echoed loudly. A young women appeared and Kate sheepishly apologized. The petite blond waved off Kate's apology, "It's okay. I can see you're frustrated, is there something I can help you with?"  
  
Kate hesitated, she had made a conscious decision not to reveal her true intentions. If the information she was seeking about her past was the least bit murky her informants may feel more comfortable if they believed they were talking to someone who wasn't personally connected to the info. Kate wanted the truth and nothing but so she wanted to make sure people didn't sugar coat their stories for her benefit. "Actually maybe you can help me. I'm doing some research for a client on their family tree, I believe they were born here. Do you know where I may be able to find that type of information."  
  
She smiled and laughed, "Not here that's for sure. But I do know just the person who could help you. His name is Jasper Louis, he runs the local paper, well actually his son has taken over but Jasper still spends most of his time there, 'supervising'. If the family you are researching lived here he will know them."  
  
Kate felt a glimmer of hope ignite inside her, "Really? Where would I find him?"  
  
"If you just go across the street and turn right, the newspaper building is on the next corner." Kate stood up and looked the woman in the eye. She touched her hand and gratefully thanked her before she quickly rushed out of the library.  
  
Her heart pounded as she entered the Office. She didn't see anyone around so she loudly called out, "Hello, is there anyone here?"  
  
An old man poked his head out from an office near the back. "I'm here. I'm always here. Can I help you, young lady?"  
  
Kate giggled "young lady" she liked the sound of that. "I'm looking for Jasper Louis. Is that you?"  
  
"The one and only! What can I do you for?" He stepped into the hall and slowly shuffled closer. He was an eccentric old man but something about him was very intriguing. Kate could tell there was a lot of wisdom inside him and she silently prayed that the truth she searched for was stored somewhere in his mind.  
  
He stopped in front of her waiting patiently for her response. Kate opened up her purse and pulled out the picture of her mom. She stared at it for a minute gently running a finger over her mother's beautiful face. "I was wondering if you remember this woman?" Kate passed him the tiny photo.  
  
He held out a shaky hand and Kate placed the picture in his palm. With the other hand he fumbled in his pocket for his glasses. Sliding them on he gazed at the picture. "Wow, I almost forgot how beautiful Selena was." Then he looked up at Kate. "Oh my God, it can't be! You, you're baby Katie," he held up the picture glancing back and forth from it to her face and back. "This is your mother isn't it?"  
  
Kate sucked in a sharp breath and slowly nodded. "I want to know what happened all those years ago. How I ended up so far away from here. Why my father and mother split up. I want to know everything, I need to know. Can you help me?" She looked into his eyes.  
  
"I can tell you everything I remember but I have to warn you, it's a very sad, dark story. Are you absolutely sure you are ready to hear this?" he said solemnly.  
  
Kate's was overwhelmed with a wave of excitement followed quickly by a sense of dread. She was finally going to learn the truth. Was this the first step towards healing her darkened spirit or would the truth just leave her reeling, falling deeper into the pit she had been digging for years? Kate woke up at exactly 7:15am, "Old habits are hard to break," she thought, "but I am certainly going to try." She rolled over and pulled the down filled duvet over her head to block out the first rays of light that were sneaking through the Venetian blinds.  
  
When she finally opened her eyes again and peeked her head out from beneath the mass of covers, a quick glance at her watch told her she'd slept for another three hours. The angry gurgling in her stomach was the only thing keeping her from fluffing her pillow and nodding off once again.  
  
Kicking off the covers Kate tried to remember the last time she had stayed in bed this late. Her drive and determination for her career didn't leave much time to take pleasure in the simple things in life like sleeping in. Or enjoying a delightful home cooked breakfast. Her friends would be shocked to learn how expertly she worked in the kitchen. Kate knew her no- nonsense, business, woman attitude and uptown lifestyle certainly didn't showcase her HGTV talents.  
  
Throwing on her robe and slippers Kate headed for the kitchen to work her magic. Minutes later she set a delectable plate of food on the table and sat down to enjoy it. Her mouth watered as she cut into the colourful vegetarian omelette made with egg whites, green and red peppers, portabella mushrooms, onions, and stuffed with fresh asparagus. The first bite was heavenly and she chewed slowly savouring the taste. The rest of her meal consisted of a slice of multigrain toast, half a grapefruit, and a tall glass of fresh squeezed orange juice. After spoiling herself this way Kate would not be looking forward to her usual muffin or bagel on the run when she returned home.  
  
As Kate gathered her dishes and loaded them into the dishwasher she began to plan out the day in her mind. The only place she could think of to begin her stroll back in time was the local library. Maybe she could find some old news articles or historical archives to root through. A thought kept creeping into her head that she pushed away time and time again for fear of being overwhelmingly disappointed, "Could she still have relatives living here? Cousins or even siblings?" Once again she shoved the idea far into the back of her mind and desperately tried to keep it there.  
  
After she had showered Kate slipped into some of the new clothes she had purchased for this trip. Kate had spent an obscene amount of money in a store she had never set foot in before last week. All her usual suits, skirts, heels, and blouses were at home in the closet and her suitcase was loaded with nothing but casual comfort. She stood in front of the full- length mirror examining her new look. The fuzzy pink hooded Gap Sweatshirt and faded jeans were a mind-boggling contrast to the designer duds that generally adorned her slim frame.  
  
With very little make up and her hair pulled back in a simple pony-tail Kate looked like a different person. But she still held that stunning beauty and impeccable poise that was impossible for Kate to lose. She slipped her feet into a comfortable pair of Birkenstocks, grabbed her purse and keys, then emerged from the cottage into the damp, fresh air.  
  
Ironically, this quaint little town made Kate feel as though she had taken a step back in time. Old buildings still in excellent shape lined the main street, which contained only slight traces of the typical commercialism that had crept into most American cities. It was a very strange experience to drive through a populated area without McDonald's, Cracker Barrel, or Wal-Mart immediately catching her eye.  
  
Taking in the essence of her surroundings Kate was shocked by a sudden feeling of contentedness. She hadn't even met anyone here yet, but she felt welcome, at ease, and completely relaxed.  
  
She parallel parked in front of the Library cursing silently as she hit the curb and had to pull out and start over. When she was finally satisfied with the position of her vehicle she killed the engine and climbed out.  
  
As Kate pulled open the heavy front door she was greeted by the slightly musty smell of a vault filled with years of printed history. She scanned the room and headed towards the computers she spotted near the back. She sat down and logged on to the library catalogue to begin her search.  
  
Her fingers clicked on the keyboard as Kate typed her mothers name into the computer and hit the enter key. The system was rather slow and she tapped her fingers impatiently waiting for the results. "Search returned 0 results for 'Selena Williams'" flashed on the screen. Kate tried several other variations of her mothers name but still no matched were found. She tried her father's name but still did not come up with anything.  
  
Kate pounded her fist on the desk in frustration and the thud echoed loudly. A young women appeared and Kate sheepishly apologized. The petite blond waved off Kate's apology, "It's okay. I can see you're frustrated, is there something I can help you with?"  
  
Kate hesitated, she had made a conscious decision not to reveal her true intentions. If the information she was seeking about her past was the least bit murky her informants may feel more comfortable if they believed they were talking to someone who wasn't personally connected to the info. Kate wanted the truth and nothing but so she wanted to make sure people didn't sugar coat their stories for her benefit. "Actually maybe you can help me. I'm doing some research for a client on their family tree, I believe they were born here. Do you know where I may be able to find that type of information."  
  
She smiled and laughed, "Not here that's for sure. But I do know just the person who could help you. His name is Jasper Louis, he runs the local paper, well actually his son has taken over but Jasper still spends most of his time there, 'supervising'. If the family you are researching lived here he will know them."  
  
Kate felt a glimmer of hope ignite inside her, "Really? Where would I find him?"  
  
"If you just go across the street and turn right, the newspaper building is on the next corner." Kate stood up and looked the woman in the eye. She touched her hand and gratefully thanked her before she quickly rushed out of the library.  
  
Her heart pounded as she entered the Office. She didn't see anyone around so she loudly called out, "Hello, is there anyone here?"  
  
An old man poked his head out from an office near the back. "I'm here. I'm always here. Can I help you, young lady?"  
  
Kate giggled "young lady" she liked the sound of that. "I'm looking for Jasper Louis. Is that you?"  
  
"The one and only! What can I do you for?" He stepped into the hall and slowly shuffled closer. He was an eccentric old man but something about him was very intriguing. Kate could tell there was a lot of wisdom inside him and she silently prayed that the truth she searched for was stored somewhere in his mind.  
  
He stopped in front of her waiting patiently for her response. Kate opened up her purse and pulled out the picture of her mom. She stared at it for a minute gently running a finger over her mother's beautiful face. "I was wondering if you remember this woman?" Kate passed him the tiny photo.  
  
He held out a shaky hand and Kate placed the picture in his palm. With the other hand he fumbled in his pocket for his glasses. Sliding them on he gazed at the picture. "Wow, I almost forgot how beautiful Selena was." Then he looked up at Kate. "Oh my God, it can't be! You, you're baby Katie," he held up the picture glancing back and forth from it to her face and back. "This is your mother isn't it?"  
  
Kate sucked in a sharp breath and slowly nodded. "I want to know what happened all those years ago. How I ended up so far away from here. Why my father and mother split up. I want to know everything, I need to know. Can you help me?" She looked into his eyes.  
  
"I can tell you everything I remember but I have to warn you, it's a very sad, dark story. Are you absolutely sure you are ready to hear this?" he said solemnly.  
  
Kate's was overwhelmed with a wave of excitement followed quickly by a sense of dread. She was finally going to learn the truth. Was this the first step towards healing her darkened spirit or would the truth just leave her reeling, falling deeper into the pit she had been digging for years? 


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter Four  
  
Kate soon learned that Jasper was an exquisite storyteller. He stitched the simple facts together with the thread of his memories and personal opinions, creating a genuine masterpiece. Years of experience in journalism and an obvious love and concern for the history and people of this town were evident in his words.  
  
Kate knew that she had come to the right person. His honesty and passion was touching and she was immediately transfixed, barely able to breathe for fear that she would miss something. Each word was important to her, this was her history, her past, and possibly the key to her future.  
  
His raspy voice echoed as he began to speak, "When your mother arrived in this small fishing village many years ago she created quite a stir. The men were immediately smitten with her sophisticated elegance and poise. The women, well," he chuckled, "they were jealous at first, but they soon found out she was just as beautiful on the inside."  
  
"Your mother had many suitors but one in particular caught her eye, a young Sailor named Billy Perkins," he paused clearing his throat. "The man you would call your father." There was something in his voice as he said those words that sent a chill up Kate's spine.  
  
Jasper continued, "In almost every aspect of their personality Selena and Billy were at opposite ends of the poles. For every ounce of kindness Selena had Billy had just as much bitterness. I guess opposites attract as they say because those two were certainly opposites. I will never understand what Selena saw in that man!"  
  
As soon as the words were out of his mouth a sincere look of regret crept into Jasper's face, "Kate, I'm sorry, Billy was your father, I shouldn't speak of him that way."  
  
Kate looked him straight in the eye, "It's okay. My father was a good for nothing drunk. I know that better than anyone. I want you to be completely honest with me. Please don't try to spare my feelings, I want the truth.  
  
He nodded solemnly and quickly picked up the story once again, "They were married only a year after Selena arrived and the honeymoon certainly didn't last long. A few months into their marriage it was obvious they were already having problems."  
  
"I can't be certain but I believe Billy was abusing her, both physically and emotionally." As the words sunk in Kate felt the hair on her neck stand up. She hated her father with every fiber of her being and hearing that he had also abused her mother was almost too much to bear. Tears began to stream down her face. She was sad, yet intensely angry and the tears were the product of mixing these two emotions.  
  
When Jasper saw that she was crying he stopped until Kate motioned for him to continue. He handed her a Kleenex and she dabbed her eyes as he began to speak, "Selena became very timid and her eyes lost that vivacious intensity that used to light up her whole face. Eventually she quit spending time with her friends and distanced herself from everyone. At the same time your father was spending more and more time at the local pub. To make matters worse he was gone, out on the ocean, for weeks, even months, at a time leaving her all alone." Jasper hesitated, then added, "Or so he thought."  
  
That last comment echoed through her mind and Kate looked intently at Jasper pleading for him to continue, "Rumors spread quickly in a small town and just a few weeks after the handsome European man arrived "affair" was on the lips of every gossip in town. The man moved in next door to Selena and they began spending a lot of time together when Billy was out at sea."  
  
"When you father arrived home after one of his trips Selena surprised him with good news, he was going to be a father. Oh, he was so happy, it had been a long time since I'd seen a smile like that on his face. He ran all over town, telling anyone that would listen about his new baby that was on the way. I truly thought this might be just what your parents needed to turn their marriage around. Children usually bring a couple closer together but not in this case." The corners of his eyes drooped with sadness as he slowly shook his head.  
  
"It wasn't long before your Father caught wind of the rumor that Selena was having an affair. There was no proof of her indiscretion but deep down I think he always knew the truth. He tried to ignore it, laughed it off but it was eating him up inside. He drank more and more and often became violent, getting into one barroom brawl after another."  
  
"Meanwhile your mother was carrying you and trying to deal with a drunk, jealous husband. I was very worried that she might lose her baby from all the emotional distress she was going through but nine months later she gave birth to a beautiful baby girl." He looked up at her and smiled, "and still just as lovely I might add." Kate blushed slightly but she couldn't help but grin.  
  
"After you were born, that's when things got ugly. Selena was a mother, she had someone else to look after, and she was no longer going to put up with a man who didn't deserve a wife and daughter. That's when she decided to leave your father and be with her lover. Yes it was true, she was having an affair and had been for many months. I was shocked but I couldn't find it in my heart to blame her. She'd put up with a lot of abuse from your father over the years, physical and emotional."  
  
Jasper looked away deep in thought, "Kate, what I am about to tell you...it's going to be very painful. I am sorry you have to hear this but I know you want the truth." He took a shaky breath, "Kate, your mother's lover turned up dead just days after she left your father. Then Billy packed up and left town...taking you with him."  
  
Kate felt the tears flowing again she choked and sobbed quietly, trying very hard to pull herself together. After several deep breaths she was finally able to speak, "There's something more isn't there?"  
  
Jasper nodded, his eyes were misty and he struggled to find the right words, "Your mom, she uh, she completely broke down. She had lost everything in a matter of days. She had been such a strong woman but years of abuse from your father had tarnished her spirit. Not many people were surprised when she tried to kill herself."  
  
"Oh god," Kate whispered, she could feel the bile rise in her throat and she fought to keep it down.  
  
"She didn't succeed, someone found her and took her to the hospital. She never got out Kate. She was mentally unstable, she was a danger to herself and she spent the rest of her life in the mental ward. It was so sad to see her fall apart like that, it broke everyone's heart." He stopped and pounded his fist on the desk in frustration. Kate jumped at the thud, "I'm sorry dear, I just didn't realize how hard it would be to tell you all this. There is one more thing too."  
  
Kate felt her stomach lurch, "What more could have happened, how could this story get any worse?"  
  
"I don't know how to tell you this but Billy Perkins was not your father Kate and he knew it. He took you away from your mother and it was never proven but everyone knows he killed Selena's lover, your real father."  
  
"No. He knew all along that I wasn't even his child. How could he... How could anyone be so cruel? That bastard..." The room was spinning and Kate gripped the arm of the chair until her knuckles were white. "Tell me my father's name Jasper, what was my Daddy's name?" Kate sobbed.  
  
He closed his eyes and placed a hand on his head, "Everyone called him Charlie..." Jasper balled his hands in to a fist as he struggled to remember. Finally he snapped a finger, "It was DiMera...Corrado DiMera.  
  
Kate slowly stood up on shaky legs, "Did you say Di...DiMe...", she couldn't even say it.  
  
He looked at her curiously, "Yes." He said slowly, "Corrado DiMera."  
  
"No, it can't be..." Kate whispered. She ran for the bathroom and barely made it to the toilet before she started heaving. Her head was pounding, the room was spinning and it was just too much for Kate to bear. Jasper found her minutes later passed out in a heap on the bathroom floor. 


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter Five  
  
Barefoot and alone Kate slowly sauntered along the beach in a dazed state. There were so many things going on in her mind that she was having trouble focusing on just one. It was like she was struggling to untie a huge tangled knot but her greatest efforts only succeeded in making the knot even bigger. By adding her jumbled up emotions to the mix she was verging on a meltdown.  
  
Kate was scared, sad, angry, and hurt, but worst of all she was incredibly lonely. "How ridiculous is that?" she thought. "I came here to be alone, to sort out my life, and the first bump in the road I hit has left me longing for someone to comfort me." She kicked at the sand in frustration striking a small rock with her bare toes. Yelping in pain she sunk to her knees and began to sob.  
  
The tears had nothing to do with kicking the rock and everything to do with the day's events. Kate curled up in a ball on the cold damp sand and let the tears flow. She cried for a mother she couldn't remember and a father she'd never known but most of all she cried for herself, for everything she had lost, everything she had missed, and for the changes she anticipated in her future.  
  
Sitting up she gently brushed the sand off her arm and shoulder then tried in vain to get the sticky wet granules off her cheeks. Kate pulled her knees to her chest and stared out to sea, wishing the waves would wash over her and carry her far away.  
  
This trip was supposed to be about healing but the only thing she was feeling was pain and sadness. "DiMera, DiMera, Dimera." The name kept repeating itself over and over in her head. How ironic that she had come all this way only to discover a secret that would lead her right back home, if she could find the strength to face her loved ones with this truth burning inside her.  
  
Her loved ones...Kate's mind drifted first to her children. "Do I want them to find out they were DiMera's?" If she wasn't going to keep this secret for her own benefit she certainly had four other reasons to do so. Her conscience kicked in, "Was it fair not to tell them the truth? To keep their ancestry a secret?" Kate wasn't sure, it was a big decision and not one she was planning on making anytime soon.  
  
Kate felt a sharp pang in her heart as her thoughts floated from her kids to Him. The man who was waiting patiently for her at home. The man who was so caring and understanding when she told him she was going away for a while. The man who softly kissed her goodbye and left tears in her eyes as she drove away. The one she longed for at that very moment. The one whose arms she wanted around her. Whose soothing voice and gentle touch could heal her broken spirit. Her one and only.  
  
The tears were flowing again. She couldn't bear the thought of losing him forever. There was no way she could continue their relationship without telling him the truth but could he handle it or would it signal the end for them. Would he still love her when he found out the blood of his mortal enemy coursed through her vanes?  
  
Kate stood up, it was dark and she was freezing. She quickly made her way back to the cottage. Approaching from the back Kate didn't see the red car in her driveway but she did see the man sitting on the porch swing waiting for her. Her heart began to pound even before she started to run towards him.  
  
Her ponytail bobbed and her feet sunk into the sand with each stride. He rose as she stopped in front of him trying to catch her breath. "Kate..." he looked at her and smiled, "Please don't be mad, I know you wanted to do this on your own but I had this sense that you needed me. If I'm wrong I'll go home in the morning but I just..." He searched her eyes trying to gauge her reaction.  
  
Without one word she stepped into his arms. This was exactly what she needed, someone to hold her, to comfort her. She melted into his warm embrace enjoying the feel of his body against her own, indulging in the essence of the moment. His touch, the way he smelled, so familiar, so perfect, it pushed the grave thoughts into the back of her mind as she focussed only on the two of them.  
  
She pulled back slightly so she could look at him. The desperation in her voice shocked both of them as she whispered, "I need your love tonight, I want you now." She bit her lip as they simply stared at one another. He could see her pain but he knew she would tell him everything eventually, this was not the time. Her hands were on his arms and she tightened and released her grip methodically, her finger kneading the muscles of his forearm.  
  
Kate froze staring at his lips as they inched closer to her own. She wanted to close the gap herself and sense immediate gratification but the tension that hung between them as he slowly moved closer was satisfying, almost addicting. When his lips finally closed over hers she was flooded with an intense feeling of relief followed by soaring passion. She closer her eyes and arched her body against him, opening her mouth to invite him in. He quickly accepted the invitation and delved inside her deepening the kiss.  
  
The night was cool and as they parted Kate could see the mist coming from Roman's mouth as he panted trying to catch his breath. She reached for his hand and led the way inside to the bedroom. They slowly undressed one another their gaze locked and naked moved into each other's arms once again.  
  
He shivered as Kate ran her icy foot up the back of his leg, then shuddered as her hand began to explore the erogenous zones of his body. She knew exactly what drove him crazy but he knew her spots as well and she completely lost concentration as his fingers and lips worked their magic. Kate moaned when his hands moved down her back, lower and lower, finally tugging at her thigh pulling it up high against his own.  
  
Making their way to the edge of the bed Kate climbed up and perched on her knees pulling him along with her. He stared into her eyes softly stroking her cheek, then he reached behind her and gently tugged the elastic out of her hair. Kate tossed her head as her soft hair fell around her face. Roman run his fingers through her silky locks then buried his face in her hair inhaling the sweet scent of her shampoo. Looking into her eyes once again he knew it was time.  
  
He eased her back making sure her head landed softly on the pillows then straddled his legs across her. Kate gasped as he gently moved into her then immediately moaned in pleasure. Their hands met and fingers intertwined. Kate squeezed tightly as they moved together. Roman watched her face the whole time he loved each genuine expression of pleasure, he loved her.  
  
When it was over he collapsed on top of her then quickly rolled so she was on top. With her elbows resting on his chest she lifted up slightly and smiled down at him. "Thank you," was all she said before lying her head down and drifting off to sleep. 


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6  
  
When Kate woke up the next morning and reached for Roman he was gone. She found him intensely examining her painting. When he realized she was watching him he turned, "Kate...Did you...," he looked from her to the painting and back. Kate smiled and nodded. "It's amazing, beautiful, I had no idea you could paint." His face held an expression of delight with a hint of shock and Kate had to laugh.  
  
Her expression became solemn as she began to speak, "You know you're the only one who has ever seen one of my paintings and you're the only one who I would ever want to see them." Kate looked down and took a deep breath, "I paint from my heart and my soul and I feel very vulnerable when I see the finished product. It's like I have exposed myself, my deepest emotions, those feelings we all keep hidden inside." She reached for his hand and they smiled at each other.  
  
As they stood together in the silence a look of fear began to creep into her eyes and it was like a knife slowly sinking into his heart, "Kate, baby, what's wrong? Talk to me." Her chin dropped and he squeezed her hands, "Kate?," he said softly, "Please tell me what's bothering you."  
  
She chewed on her lip searching for the right words, "I will tell you everything but..." she finally lifted her head up and looked at him, "There's something I want to do first, if you will let me."  
  
"Anything. Anything you want Katie girl."  
  
"I want to paint you Roman, all of you. Will you pose for me?" she asked softly.  
  
His eye widened, "Uhh, you mean like a nude portrait?," he said hesitantly. Kate nodded her head. "Well I'm not exactly male model material but if it's what you want Kate I'll do it."  
  
Kate placed a warm hand on his cheek, "It's what I want, it's what I need." She grinned wickedly at him, "You're too modest Roman," Kate run her hands up his smooth chest and down his strong arms then gently slid off his boxers, "you are a perfect model. Every inch of you." Kate looked up and down his lean body, eyes lingering here and there. She kissed him softly as his cheeks flushed slightly. When she tried to pull away he held her tight and began to kiss her again. She stopped him, "Okay let's get started."  
  
Roman groaned in frustration taking a deep breath, "I may need a cold shower before we start."  
  
Kate giggled slightly as she looked at him, "Yes I think you do, I have to get my things ready anyway, you've got 10 minutes."  
  
**  
  
He returned a few minutes later with a towel around his waist and water droplets clinging to his body. Kate had her easel set up and palette ready. He removed the towel and patiently allowed her to position him. She decided to go with the classic pose and had him lie on his side propped on one elbow, front leg outstretched, back leg up bent at the knee. Kate stepped back and smiled, finally satisfied with the pose, she was ready to begin.  
  
"Hey don't I get a fig leaf or something?" Roman asked.  
  
"Sorry honey but I'm afraid a fig leaf wouldn't do anyway," she teased.  
  
Roman grinned and shook his head then relaxed as Kate sat down and went to work. He had no trouble holding the pose, he could have stayed there forever. Watching Kate's expressions as she painted mesmerized him, he was enchanted by the honesty and determination that radiated from her. With each passing minute, with each heartbeat, his love for her consumed him. He couldn't move, he could barely breathe. Roman had never seen Kate look more beautiful. Her hair was a mess, she had no makeup on, she wore a paint- smeared apron over her royal blue housecoat but she was exquisite, stunning, her natural beauty sparkled casting a heavenly glow over the room.  
  
It seemed like only minutes had passed when Kate spoke, "I'm done," she said with a satisfied sigh. Her words snapped him out of his trance and he glanced at his watch. He'd been there for hours, not minutes, he couldn't believe it. Roman sat up and reached for his boxers lying on the floor.  
  
"Can I see?" he asked sliding his underwear on.  
  
Kate placed a sheet over the easel, shaking her head, "Not yet. We need to talk first, I'm going to tell you what I've found out. If you still love me after you learn the truth then I'll show you."  
  
Roman's heart pounded, "If I still love you? Kate, nothing could change the way I feel about you. Each minute, each second that passes I love you even more."  
  
She interrupted, "Shh, please don't. Just wait until you hear me out okay, because this secret could change everything."  
  
**  
  
They got dressed and had a quick bite to eat then Kate led the way out to the porch and they sat side by side on the swing. Kate's mind drifted back to the other night when she thought about sitting on the swing with the man she loved, the man who loved her. Now here they were, her dream had come true, but it wasn't exactly what she'd imagined.  
  
Kate reached in her pocket and pulled out the tiny photo, "That's my mom Roman. Isn't she gorgeous?" Kate whispered.  
  
He looked at the picture then looked at her, "I can see where you get your beauty from Kate, your mother is a knock out."  
  
Kate smiled. He handed her the photo and she stared at it, just looking at her mother's face gave her the strength she needed to continue. She glanced at Roman, run her fingers through her hair, and began her story. Kate told him everything. She cried through most of it but managed to get through it all without completely breaking down. She talked about her childhood and her miserable life with her father. Then she went into the details she had learned the day before, the story Jasper had told her.  
  
Roman watched her intently, the agony, the hurt, etched on her face was torturing him. He wanted to reach out to her, to pull her close and kiss her pain away. He almost did reach out to her but her final words caught him off guard. "My real father, his name was Corrado...DiMera. Roman I am a DiMera."  
  
Before Roman had a chance to say anything Kate turned and dropped to her knees in front of him. She could not remember a time she had done something so impulsive but as the words slipped from her mouth they just seemed right, "If you still love me.... Marry me Roman. Make me a Brady, forever." 


	7. Conclusion

Conclusion  
  
Each second of silence felt longer as she waited for Roman to speak. She could see her own reflection in his eyes and the look of fear on her face sent a wave of nausea through her body. Her hands were on his knees and she realized how hard she was squeezing but she just couldn't seem to release her grip.  
  
Suddenly he stood up and the look on his face told her everything she needed to know. Her worst fears were confirmed and the cold grip of reality tightened around her neck choking her, strangling her, until she could barely breath. She thought nothing could be worse than the look on his face until he began to speak. Kate had never heard that icy tone come from his mouth before and it hurt so bad she wanted to cover her ears, "You knew all along that we'd be through as soon as I found out the truth Kate. How could you use me like you did last night? This morning? You made love to me last night because you knew I would never touch you again after I found out."  
  
He looked at her with empty eyes, that sparkle, that look of love, was gone. There was nothing left. He shook his head, "It must be something in the DiMera genome that just allows you people to toy with others emotions."  
  
"You people." It was like a knife to her heart. He had just found out minutes ago that she was a DiMera and already she was thrown into the same category as Stefano, Tony, Kristen, and every other DiMera that Roman loathed.  
  
"Roman please, I love you, I need you. I would never do anything to hurt you, I'm nothing like Stefano or Tony, their evil, their cruel..."  
  
Roman cut her off, "They're DiMera's just like you Kate. No wonder you spent so much of your life trying to destroy my daughter. The DiMera-Brady feud must be innate. You were born with a natural instinct to attack my family Kate."  
  
Tears streamed down her face as she sobbed and choked and began to hyperventilate, "Roman," she gasped, "You don't really believe that do you? Please tell me..."  
  
He stared down at her, "I can barely stand to look at you, you're pathetic Kate. I'm just glad I found out before it was too late. I'm surprised you didn't keep your dirty little secret until you could find a way to use it against my family. I'm going home to be with the people who love me, the people who I love. I'm going to protect them from you and your disgusting family. We're through Kate. I'm going to forget every second we shared because just the thought of kissing, touching, making love to a DiMera makes me sick!"  
  
Kate pounded her fists on the ground, sobbing, as he began to walk away she screamed, "No Roman, don't go, no, please..."  
  
"Kate, Kate, honey wake up, it's okay, I'm here, shh." Kate sat up and looked around she was on the bed and Roman was by her side.  
  
"Where am I? What happened? Roman, I love you, don't leave me. I'm not evil. I would never hurt your family. Don't go. I know you still love me. Don't go if you still love me." Kate strung together a bunch of random thoughts into a long breathless rant that left Roman more than a little confused.  
  
Kate held her breath as he opened his mouth, "If I still love you? Kate I tried to tell you before that nothing could change the way I feel about you," he said softly.  
  
As her brain slowly digested his words and they began to sink in she was overcome with emotion. She wanted to laugh, scream, jump for joy, and kiss Roman all at once but instead she ended up sobbing uncontrollably.  
  
Roman gently wrapped her in his arms and let her cry against his chest. He whispered soothingly in her ear and rocked her smoothly back and forth. "Kate honey, calm down sweetheart. I know you're a little confused right now. One minute you ask me to marry you and the next you were out cold so I carried you in here."  
  
When she had calmed down enough to speak her angry words tore him up inside, "I don't want to be a DiMera. They're sick, twisted monsters, and I don't know how I can live knowing that I'm biologically related to Stefano." She took a shaky breath and looked up at him with swollen red eyes, "Can you look me in the eye and honestly say that it doesn't matter to you? That it doesn't change anything? That you could spend your life with a DiMera?"  
  
He cupped her face with his hands and stared into her hazel eyes, "Kate I love you. I wish I could have been there when you learned the truth yesterday because you obviously needed some comforting but I'm here now and I'm not going anywhere. You said one important thing just a second ago that you need to remember. You are biologically linked to Stefano." He slowly repeated those words, "Biologically linked. That does not make you a DiMera Kate, there's much more to it than a simple genetic link." He paused and smiled at her, "So I am looking you in the eye and telling you the honest truth Kate Roberts, I don't care if you are related to Stefano, it doesn't change what's in my heart. You are my life, my universe, and I won't let anything, especially not Stefano DiMera, take you away from me. Oh and one more thing, the answer... is yes."  
  
"Yes," she repeated slowly. "Yes! Oh my God Roman we're getting married." She flung her arms around his neck squeezing him with all her strength. "When, where, I have to find a dress, and bridesmaids, flowers, and you, you need a tux and who's going to be your best man, oh I just had an idea, Will, he can be our ring bearer and Abby can be the flower girl. Oh and we need a cake, a huge cake with at least three teirs, and maybe a waterfall that flows down. Oh and I want one of those champagne glass tower thingies where you just keep filling the top glass and it all runs down and fills up the rest and..." Roman knew Kate could go on all night if he didn't stop her right away so he interrupted with a fierce kiss.  
  
She melted into his arms. She had never felt safer or more content than she did at that moment. She knew this was exactly where she belonged, she finally knew how she wanted to spend the rest of her life. Kate realized her life's journey would have more twists and turns but for the time being the path was straight and she could see her future, her one true love, waiting for her.  
  
"Come on Brady, I made you a promise, are you ready to see what I painted today?"  
  
"Lead on lady." He followed her and waited as she slowly pulled the cover off her masterpiece. "Kate Roberts, you made me pose nude for hours and you painted something completely different," he said with a laugh. "It's absolutely perfect though, you are amazing Kate."  
  
Kate stared at the painting and smiled. It was a profile view of a couple dancing. Their bodies were pressed tightly against one another and her head was resting on his shoulder. Her eyes were closed and a blissful smile lit up her face. His expression held the unmistakable glow of a man hopelessly in love. The couple she had painted was Kate Roberts and Roman Brady.  
  
Roman held out his hand to her and she stepped into his arms. They mirrored the exact image Kate had painted. There was no music but they danced anyway, gently swaying to the rhythm of love that beat in their hearts. 


End file.
